Paraguay (where's that?)

 So, roughly 7 weeks ago (that long already???) I returned form serving a full-time mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in a little-known place called Paraguay. For the geography-challenged, it lies in almost the middle of South America, surrounded by Brazil, Argentina, and Bolivia. It has NOTHING and I repeat NOTHING to do with Uruguay...in fact, contrary to popular belief, they don't even touch. Also contrary to popular belief, Paraguayan food has NOTHING to do with Mexican cuisine. In fact, the Paraguayan tortilla resembles a Mexican one as much as a cat resembles a dog. Same species, different animals. The next time you make pancakes, add a lot more salt and deep fry it in oil and that's about what a Paraguayan tortilla looks like. They are quite delicious if I say so myself. I think I might make myself one soon...I rather miss them.
    Actually, there are a lot of little quirks about Paraguay that I miss, although to a Paraguayan they aren't quirks. Actually, when Paraguayans learn that United States residents actually think it's incredibly offensive to call someone fat to their face, their minds are blown. One of our quirks. I didn't know how different cultures could be if fact, until I went to this place I have learned to love. I consider myself a pretty well-traveled person--before my mission I had the wonderful opportunities to go to England, the Caribbean islands, and study in Italy, but none of that could prepare me for the culture brick that was to unmercifully high-five my face every time I walked out the door after putting my missionary name-tag on. Even the fact that my brother had served in the exact mission couldn't adequately prepare me....so here's my little tribute to Paraguayan culture, many of them things I miss.
   Here's one--did you know that there are culturally different ways to eat an orange? Think of how you eat yours. I imagine you do one of two things--cut it into little wedges, or when found without a knife, you hand-peel it and eat the God-created convenient wedges that make up that sphere of citrus goodness.  Not so in Paraguay. Let me teach you:
1) grab a knife and peel about half a centimeter of the peel off, beginning at the top and rotating the orange as you go until you reach the bottom. The orange should look like a white sphere now with only half its peel.
2) slice off the very top of the orange.
3) hold the now exposed part to your mouth, squeeze your orange, and suck.
4) keep sucking. Yum!
That's how to eat an orange. One of the Bishop's whose ward I served in told us once in a lunch appointment that when he was young, his dad told him if he wanted to learn how to kiss girls, he should eat oranges. HA! Unfortunately, I was having an awkward time eating my orange (I still don't have it down the way they do it there--cutting it takes practice, and I am a less-than graceful eater), and consequently was brutally made fun off after the Bishop's once funny comment. >:( Oh well. It was funny at the time and makes me smile more now.

Anyway, moving on. To keep this shorter I'll just bullet some little things those trying to broaden their cultural knowledge might find interesting.
-in Paraguay anything drunken out of a bottle is always done with a straw. Plastic, glass, 2 inches tall or 2 liters, doesn't matter: "Pajito?" upon purchase. (Unless you are a liquid deprived North American sweating-their-body-weight-out missionary and just need to chug that cold 2 liters of liquidized heaven right there....)
-"sopa" Paraguaya is not soup at all, but something that visually resembles corn bread
-food safety can be best summed up in 2 words: "what's that?"
-Spanish is the national language, along with Guarani, which kind of reminds of what African languages kind of sound like (without 'clicks' though, but with lots of nasal and throat-ish syllables). Or speak Spanish with your mouth slightly open and don't move your lips, and emphasize the last syllable on each word. Guarani is fun (or embarrassing) to learn, because one letter difference can make an innocent phrase into something dirty or vulgar.
  example: Ikatu ñañembo'e? = May we say a prayer?   Ikatu ñañembo'i? = May we all get naked?

-meal time: don't expect a beverage until after you've eaten everything, even if it's one bajillion degrees with 1000% humidity. Why? Because most beverages served are juice or soda, and Paraguayans believe that putting the sweet before the salty in your tummy will 'hurt' you, which I interpret to mean give you some serious chivivi (diarrhea)

-hamburgers often have a fried egg on top of the patty (sooo good!)

-deep fry or add unhealthy amounts of veggie oil to all of your meals

-add 1 cup of salt to your meal...wait...taste test...I think it needs more....

the buses are all Mercedes...but look they were salvaged from a junk yard and ride like a possible Disneyland ride. Don't be fooled--this bus was one of the nicer-looking ones.

-beware of the bugs. The 1st pic is of a mosquito I killed compared to a dime. The 2nd was in my last area. The third is a picture I took within my first month sometime. I had the following in my living quarters: 1 bat, 1 frog, 1 giant spider, a few lizards, a few or more cockroaches, several mice (which would get in everything--including the oven...), and lots of daddy-long legs (the least threatening, but which became permanent flattened wall ornaments).

  Those black things around Mickey are the presents it left before it died.                                                                

yum.

-translating. So, in Paraguay store owners often sell products that have English written on it to make it 'cool'....or what they think it English. Here are my favorites that I captured:

Please be sure to read the "Pooh" at the end of this second one when reading the whole text. :)


Other things I miss: despensas (pantry-sized shops owned by your neighbor that sell snacks and necessities), cobblestone roads, the red dirt, motos, mangos, seeing terere or mate (herbal drinks drunk through special cups and metal straws), hearing "tss tss tss Que hermosa que sos!!" 5-7 times a day on average (okay I really don't miss that one...), and the warmness of the people. 
    Aaah Paraguay....oh man I can feel the sweltering sun just thinking about it...yikes get me an electric fan. Or two. Here are the 4 seasons of Paraguay: hot, I-think-I-smell-my-flesh-cooking-and-I-am-creating-a-sweat-puddle hot, hot, cold and rainy. I had a comp that would wear peds over her knee highs even on the hottest days....I think the heat must have destroyed her brain cells....

Well, I think that's enough of Paraguay for now. I'll share more fun stories later. :)