The hospital/labor experience:
1. They say the average first labor is about 8-14 hours long. If your labor was that short, you are blessed indeed. (Mine was just under 28 hours.)
2. Just because you get an epidural does not mean that it will work. And if that's the case it's okay to ugly cry all you want.
3. It is not a good thing if the lower number of your blood pressure drops to the 30's during labor.
4. Despite being allowed to feed only on ice chips, you might puke a lot during labor. But hey, you've been throwing up for the last nine months anyway, so this should come as naturally as breathing.
5. If they have to poke you multiple times, you will leave the hospital looking like a drug addict.
That is a bruise, not a shadow, and the other arm matched.
6. Your dependency on pain killers will only increase your appearance as a drug addict.
7. Your baby might come out covered in hair. I don't mean just their head. Arms. Shoulders. Back. Seriously guys, I think I may have birthed a monkey.
8. Just because breast feeding is natural to do does not mean it will come naturally. To you or your baby.
9. Some babies (ie mine) don't come out of the womb knowing how to suck. This can make nursing frustrating.
10. Babies can be trained to suck. This is a great job for Daddy.
11. Just because your boobs (ie mine) are gargantuan doesn't mean they will provide enough food for your infant, at least until the milk comes in. That's where these cool supplement things come in.
Coming home:
12. If your boobs are gargantuan before you get pregnant, when your milk comes in you will look like and feel like nothing less than a cartoon. At this point, nursing has been enough of an emotional roller coaster that it's okay to cry.
13. Nursing bras in size H are really hard to find. Cry some more. Or throw your computer at the wall because online shopping for bras is terrible.
14. Whoever says nursing never should hurt is either a man, has had brain damage, or is lying. And no woman will judge you for the
15. Having a third person enter your home will not increase your laundry by 33%. It will increase by 333%. Because babies pee. Through. Everything.
16. Seeing your baby get shots is not the worst. Hearing your baby cry after being circumcised...that IS the worst. A slight consolation is if your baby pees on the doctor.
17. If you choose to bathe your baby boy in the kitchen sink, make sure all of the dishes on the drying rack are put away. Because baby boys can shoot far.
18. Six straight hours of sleep never felt so good.
19. Even though your baby is less than a month old, people will (amazingly) already judge the way you parent. My advice? Educate yourself, listen to your parental intuition, and do what you feel is best. That is your right. Two different parenting techniques does not necessarily mean one is wrong. People shoving their biased opinions down your throat, however, is. End rant.
20. Trimming a baby's nails is terrifying.
21. Estrogen in your breast milk can make your baby grow extra breast tissue in their own body. So basically, since your humongo boobs aren't causing enough problems, they've made your baby boy grow his own boobs too. Do you think Baby Gap sells baby bras? Because we just might need some over here.
"I have boobs???"
22. Babies smile in their sleep. That alone will make most of this feel worth it.
Also, just look at that dimple!!!!
Yay for babies! And here are some more pictures, because I'm basically in love.
That face. Maybe he's still angry about his man-boobs?
"I have my mommy's chest and my daddy's body hair. What the heck guys??"
