Caleb's first feeding video

Easter and hitting 5 months and some more thoughts

Easter is a wonderful time of year. I love Christmas and the opportunity it gives to think of Christ's birth and all of the symbols involved there, but I equally love Easter for it's chance to ponder the Atonement and what it personally means to me. This last year has been a tough one. Not necessarily for me, but for my family and other people that I love dearly. I take so much comfort in knowing that the Atonement will eventually make right all that is unfair in this lifetime. I have so much faith in its healing power. I don't know how it totally works, but I have faith that it does. And that gives me a lot of hope. It's an incredible gift to know that because Christ paved the way, we will have the opportunity be healed from our sorrows, to repent of our sins and change, and to also see loved ones again.

On that note, I have a favor to ask.

Yesterday, within the span of five minutes, we found out that Brent's uncle was in a terrible motorcycle accident and we are not sure if/when he will recover, and then that my grandmother needs open heart surgery in a week and a half. I would like to just ask for you to pray for them. I don't usually ask for things like that. But I also know that prayer is powerful, so it can't hurt to have a few more.

On a happier note, we had a lovely Easter. On Saturday we went to an Easter egg hunt at my Aunt's house in South Jordan, and then had dinner with Brent's family. Brent's mom stayed with us (unfortunately, half of his family had to stay behind in Colorado due to illness), and I delightfully took on the role of Easter Bunny on Sunday. (Shhh Caleb doesn't know yet.) In my family we grew up first finding our baskets and then finding the eggs around the house, but Brent hurt his foot badly and I didn't want him to be limping around the apartment. So instead, I set out the baskets on the table. Brent's mom was surprised to find one for her. :)

All my parent's grandkids at the hunt:

After waking to their baskets, we had yummy French toast with Brent's mom and brother (the trick is to add cinnamon to the batter--trust me!) We went to church, and then went to dinner at my brother Dan's. We played this awesome game called "Egg Destruction Derby." Everyone gets a hardboiled egg and sits around the table. At the same time you repeatedly roll your egg into the middle, where it dashes against the other competing eggs. Once the yolk shows, that egg is out and the last egg standing is the winner. We had such a fun time doing it that I think it will become a tradition!

On Tuesday, my sister Laura played as the soloist for the Utah Youth Orchestra (I think that's what it's called...?) where she played Rhapsody in Blue. She nailed it. A teenage violinist came up to her afterward and said that when she was playing some of the violinists cried because she played so well. If you have ever heard her play, then that statement shouldn't come as a surprise.

This week Caleb also hit five months! My visiting teacher usually asks what he is doing that he wasn't doing before. So, since last month he now loves to blow spit bubbles, grabs his feet (and sometimes successfully gets one of them into his mouth). His motor skills are always improving, and he is getting close to sitting up. He loves it when you stand him up, and he loves to grab at just about anything (especially his mommy's hair). We also started him on solids this week! This kid can EAT. Holy cow. Because he is constantly hungry, he couldn't sleep through the night. He would fall asleep just fine...he just wouldn't stay asleep. I am pleased to announce that Caleb slept a record 8.5 hours last night. Unfortunately, my body woke me up anyway at 4:30 since that what it has been used to, but all is well. I see a more rested future ahead and that gets me excited. 

Grief

I am grieving.

Over the course of the last six months, several people I know and care for have suffered tragic losses, especially regarding infants. Probably because I am a new mom, these have been hitting very close to home. I know that it could have been our baby at any point along the journey. Last night I was thinking of all of those mothers who are mourning, and as I rocked Caleb to sleep I choked on the songs I  was singing to him. And when I went to bed, my husband held me and I wept. Sleep evaded me for hours. And so to help me deal with the emotions I was going through, I wrote a poem. I strongly believe in artistic expression to help cope, and the visual art I usually turn to didn't seem like the appropriate method. So here's my poem. The poem could relate to those who have had a miscarriage, lost a child, or struggled with infertility. Please don't judge too harshly as I don't normally consider myself a poet.


"I Trust"

The miniature clothes
   to never be folded again

The lullaby lost and silenced

   taken like a breath on the passing wind

       with the scattered leaves

Replaced with tears

    and a gnawing ache.

          A hole. 

                 Unfilled.

                       Unending.

Yet I trust

    that the God of mankind

        to also be the God of little ones

And I trust

     that His gentle arms cradle

          the child that I do not.

I trust

    that His arm that is stretched out still

        will one day stretch out

Place in my hand

    the small fingers I love and long for.

I trust

  that small cries no longer heard here

      and bitter cries now

will one day turn to cries of joy

    most celebrated amidst the angels.

I trust

  in an everlasting Atonement

     in a Savior

Who feels my ache

Who heals the wounds

Who raised the sleeping sons and daughters

     Who raises me

         and raises Himself

              on my cross.

    to right the wrong

      and lost time.

I trust

   in a hope I cannot see

      but feel.

I trust

  in Him.