Thursday, April 9, 2015

To the Missionary with Depression

Dear Elder or Sister,

Hello, dearest missionary. You don't know me. I don't see you, but I know you are there. I know you are hurting. And I am hurting for you because I have been in those worn out, mud-covered shoes before.

 Sister or Elder, I want you to know some things.

First, I want you to know that your Heavenly Father loves you SO much. Oh my goodness, how He loves you. He knows what you are going through. He knows how hard being a missionary is and He knows how hard being a missionary with depression is. He is not condemning you, even though you don't think your mission is sunshine and rainbows. He is not judging you for being so homesick. And when you cry in anguish, "This is not how I thought my mission would be," He is crying there with you saying, "My child, I know." 

 Next, I want you to know that you are not a failure. Maybe you aren't baptizing as much as you think you should, and that's okay. Some people are Ammons who baptize hundreds and thousands, and some are Abinadis who only baptize one, or none. But guess what, God loves all of his missionaries exactly the same. He loves the ones who have nailed a baptism before they've even knocked on the door exactly the same amount as those who are struggling to get anyone to even make eye contact with them. As long as you are making an effort, that is what counts in the success of a missionary. You cannot control your investigators' agency, and many of them, even ones who you love dearly, will choose to not accept your message, and that is not your fault. Just keep trying your best, whatever your best is.

I want you to also know that your mission is of great worth, even if at times it does not seem that way. And I'm not talking about the "Well at least you are leaving seeds" kind of way, although that is also true. I mean that your mission is refining you in ways that will help you throughout your whole life. You are going through the painful refiner's fire. It is miserable. It hurts. And it doesn't seem fair, and that's because it isn't. But our journey through Gethsemane is not in vain. Speaking from my own experience, I can tell you that serving a mission with depression prepared me to be a better spouse, a better parent, a better friend, and a better leader. Yes, a better leader, because there are a lot of other people who have depression and they will trust you a lot more when they know that you have gone through what they are going through. Someone who has suffered is much better at helping others who are suffering.  The trials you are going through now can be consecrated to become enormous blessings in your life, even though at the moment it does not seem that way. God calls upon "the weak things of the world" to preach His Gospel, and He has called you. He has not made a mistake nor called you in vain.

I also want you to know that you are not alone. I know that sounds totally cliche, but your Heavenly Father is very aware of you and your struggles. He sees how hard you are trying. You have angels literally helping you from the other side of the veil. You belong the most prayed-for group of people in the church, probably the world. Your mission president is praying for you by name, and people back home are praying that you are okay. You are also not the only missionary who has or has had depression--not by a long shot. Your struggles are familiar to many.

Now, dear missionary, I am going to ask you to do some things. Don't worry, this isn't another list of rules to make you feel guilty. But I am asking you to do them because I really believe they will help. Some of them are things I did, and some are things I wish I had done.

First, if you haven't already done so, tell your mission president. Your mission president loves you so much. He is praying for you. He receives revelation for you. But it is very hard to know what to pray for or how to physically help if he doesn't know there is a problem. He isn't going to judge you, I promise. If he does already know, keep him informed of how you are doing. He wants to know, and it is in your best interest that he is aware of how you are doing.

Second, tell your companion. This one might be tougher than the first request. Maybe you don't get along with your companion. Maybe there is a language barrier. But if you can, please tell them. You can say something like, "Elder/Sister, can I talk to you? I am really struggling and I need your help." Missionaries don't go out one by one for a reason. Companions are not only there to provide a second witness of what you are teaching, but to also provide support to each other. Confide in your companion and let them become a source of support for you.

Most importantly, I want you to ask your Savior for help. Do you believe that the Atonement was also for you? Yes, Jesus Christ suffered for you, imperfect-and-constantly-falling-short you. The fact is, we are all imperfect and we are all falling short. And the wonderful, incredible, amazing thing is that Christ atoned for you, yes, you. He knows the pain you are feeling because he went through it too. He went through it so that He would know how to help you. And He does know. Please ask Him for it. I know that you cannot pray away depression. But pray anyway and give your burden to Him. Depression is often a long road and you will need His companionship. He loves you and has promised that He will "[gather] you as a hen gathereth her chickens under her wings" and that "his arm of mercy is extended towards you." Please trust in those promises.

Lastly, if you are struggling to feel the Spirit, I want you to really rely on your scriptures for guidance and truth. The ugly feelings you are feeling are not truth. The mean things you are telling yourself are not from Heavenly Father, but from the Adversary, who is doing everything he can to discourage you. The scriptures provide a huge source of light and truth to rely on. I remember several times when I had to make some big decisions but I didn't feel like I could feel the Spirit, and so I prayed to God to help me find the answers in my scriptures. Sometimes it was just where my daily reading happened to be, and sometimes I just opened to a random spot, but I will tell you right now I got an answer every single time when I looked for it and had faith that I would get the answers I needed.

If you and your mission president decide that it's time to come home, let it be and don't feel guilty about it. You aren't coming home early. You are coming home right when you are supposed to, even if the date wasn't your original release date. And even if you are not coming home, please get the help you need. 

Dear wonderful missionary, you are so loved. You are not a failure. Your mission is not a failure, even though it isn't what you expected it to be. You are prayed for. Your mission has value, and so do you. Please do not lose hope or succumb to the dark trial you are going through. Please, take care of yourself. Remember that "weak things can become strong unto [you]" and that the Lord calls the "weak and simple" of the earth to proclaim His gospel. If anything else, do not let go of hope.

God speed.

With love,
A returned missionary