Guy: Hi! I'm asking you out because the last 4 girls I made out upon meeting didn't like commitment.
Girl: Oh that's great! I accepted even though I'm trying to date 3 other guys.
Guy: Well what do you know! I dated 3 guys once too!
Girl: huh. I pick my nose and eat it--it helps me with my bulimia problem.
Guy: No kidding? Hear it's a healthy diet. Like my diet of hot pockets and top ramen. I don't cook because I think only women should do that. I'm into that whole chivalry, I mean, chauvinist thing.
Girl: Chivalry? I failed sculpture class...I don't remember what that means.
Guy: That's fine--women don't need to be educated...unless they want to be my sugar mamma of course. Chivalry is this thing that existed but that feminists destroyed.
Girl: You mean babies? I want 16. I've named them already and matched them with your last name already to make sure it sounds good.
Guy: Any name would sound good with mine. I like to look at myself in the mirror and flex everyday just to make sure my muscle mass hasn't diminished from the day before. I take steroids just in case.
Girl: Oh kinda like how I weigh myself twice a day! We're like twins!
Guy: Totally! Oh I like your sunglasses btw. Remind me of stuff I used to steal from the mall. I gave up petty theft though.
Girl: Oh good for you!
Guy: yeah, bank robbery is so much cooler.
Girl: uh huh....
Guy: I mean... um...like on the video games I play.
Girl: You still play video games?
Guy: just 6...no...wait...10 hours a day. It makes me feel invincible, but my mom sometimes has to come down to the basement to remind me it's time for dinner.
Girl: You live with your mom? How old are you again?
Guy: 30. Or was it 32?
Girl: 33. I stalked you for 4 hours on fb each night for last week. I just asked your age to throw you off. I got yo back, no worries.
Guy: Gee thanks!
Girl: Yeah I know the names of all of your past girlfriends, when and where you dated them, and if the relationship was 'complicated' or not. That way I know who I should be jealous of. I basically should be a professional stalker. I'd go into that if I wasn't failing college. I only went in b/c I thought I'd find my Orlando Bloom look-alike hubby by the end of freshman year and planned on quitting school as soon I got preggo on the honeymoon.
Guy: Don't worry, I barely graduated high school. Super senior pride! I totally understand. It's tough when juvie gets in the way.
Girl: Oh...right.
Guy: So what kind of stuff do you like to do?
Girl: ummm....weigh myself....throw up....weigh again....but when I'm not doing that I'm stalking my potential boy toys. I thought we already covered that. And you?
Guy: check my muscles...seduce girls....and all that other jazz I talked about.
Girl: Seduce girls? You mean you help women give birth? I know all about that. That's pretty noble. You know, you're not that cute, but I'm desperate so I'll date you anyway. Please date me. Please say you love me. Please father my children. No one else will ask me out anymore--all the boys in the ward dumped me because they said I had jealousy issues. Please marry me! I've even picked out the ring and talked to the owner about getting a discount. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease....
Guy: Don't worry, I stole one recently. I'm way ahead of you. But I just plan on having a nice NCMO with you and then going for the next desperate girl I meet. Don't take it personal. I have commitment issues and I know I'm irresistible.
Girl. Oh. That kinda sounds like what my shrink tells me. I guess that means we're a good match. But don't worry, I'll get over you tomorrow after cutting myself to release the emotion.
Guy: Oh, I thought the scars were from dialysis. That's ok. I cut people too.
Girl: Hmmm....I'm starting to get the feeling that you're kinda creepy. But my feelings of desperately wanting to eat your face are too overpowering. You're really good at seducing.
Guy: Great! You're too sweet.
Girl: Thanks.
No comments:
Post a Comment